{"id":3241,"date":"2024-12-11T02:44:14","date_gmt":"2024-12-11T02:44:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.alixgenerous.com\/home\/?p=3241"},"modified":"2024-12-11T02:47:03","modified_gmt":"2024-12-11T02:47:03","slug":"when-im-tired-of-being-autistic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.alixgenerous.com\/home\/autism\/when-im-tired-of-being-autistic\/%20","title":{"rendered":"When I\u2019m Tired of Being Autistic"},"content":{"rendered":"

Today feels heavy.<\/p>\n

I woke up with the usual determination to embrace the day, but somewhere along the way, a familiar weight began to settle on my shoulders. The kind of weight that whispers, “Your best won’t be good enough today.” It\u2019s not new, but it still stings.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s one of those days when I\u2019m tired of being autistic.<\/p>\n

I know I\u2019m supposed to champion neurodiversity\u2014and most days, I do. I\u2019m proud of my brain, its quirks, its ability to think deeply, and its knack for noticing things others might miss. I\u2019ve given talks about the strengths autism brings, written about it, and tried to live as a model of what embracing neurodiversity can look like. But that doesn\u2019t make me immune to days like this.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s this constant tension between being unapologetically myself and being exhausted by how others perceive me. Today, I feel like my words are under a microscope. Every syllable, every pause, every inflection dissected, analyzed, and sometimes misunderstood. And when I clarify or explain myself, it often feels like I\u2019m handing over pieces of my soul just to be heard the right way.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that people are always unkind. Many of them mean well. But when your reality is a lifetime of explaining why you said that thing<\/em> in that way<\/em> or why you didn\u2019t pick up on that cue,<\/em> it wears you down.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t just turn my brain off, as much as I sometimes wish I could. The same brain that crafts creative solutions and finds beauty in details others overlook is the same brain that sometimes struggles to understand the rules of social exchanges. The same brain that lets me hyper-focus on projects I love can make me feel alienated in a world that doesn\u2019t run on my wavelength.<\/p>\n

And then there are the internal battles. The self-doubt that creeps in when I realize I\u2019ve been masking too much or not enough. The frustration when I feel I have to justify the way my mind works to others.<\/p>\n

Being autistic isn\u2019t bad.<\/em> But some days, it\u2019s hard.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s days like these that remind me why I advocate for understanding and acceptance, even when I don\u2019t feel strong enough to fight. Because I know I\u2019m not alone. There are so many others out there feeling the same weight, the same frustration, the same fatigue.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m learning to let myself feel these feelings without guilt. It\u2019s okay to be tired. It\u2019s okay to say, “Today is hard.” It doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m giving up on myself or my community. It means I\u2019m human.<\/p>\n

Tomorrow, I\u2019ll wake up, and the weight will feel lighter. I\u2019ll find joy in my neurodivergent perspective again. But for today, I\u2019m giving myself permission to rest.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re feeling this way too, I see you. We\u2019re allowed to feel the weight\u2014and then set it down when we\u2019re ready.<\/p>\n<\/div>

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